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Jokes Humor:
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Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said Ben, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
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A fellow came to a doctor with an unusual complaint.
”Doc, every time I take one step forward I take two steps backward.”
The doctor contemplate the situation for a moment and responded to the patient, “I hear how that is a serious situation, but I have one question, “How did you get here?”
The patient responded, “Not so simple. I have been trying to get here for years, so I finally gave up and went home!”
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I made my life better:
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Yes Indeed Life Is Great.
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Bob, aged 92, and Mary, aged 89, were excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding, they passed a drug store. Bob suggested they go in.
Bob asked to speak to the pharmacist. He explained they’re about to get married, and asked, “Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course we do,” the pharmacist replied.
“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“Definitely,” he said.
“How about Viagra?”
“Of course.”
“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
“Yes, the works.”
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?”
“Absolutely.”
“Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
“All speeds and sizes.”
“Good,” Bob said to the pharmacist. “We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please.”
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A little girl was in shul with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the shul and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the shul and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of shul, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
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John’s wife, refusing to give in to aging, goes out to buy some new cosmetics so he can look years younger.
After spending some time applying “Miracle“ products to her face, she asks her husband, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, how old would you think I am?“
Looking at her carefully, John replied…
“Judging from your skin twenty, your hair eighteen. And your figure, twenty five.“
“OH, you flatterer!“ She gushed.
Just as she was about to tell John his reward, he stops her and says “WHOA, hold on there sweety…
“I haven’t added them up yet!“
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Rabbis teach us. They inspire us. They lead us. So what better way to say thank you than to tell jokes about them. That’s just what Jews do. So without further ado, here are 10 of our favorite jokes about Rabbis.
A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn’t recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found three eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box…
He interrupted, “In 20 years, only three bad sermons? That’s not bad.”
His wife continued… “and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1.”
A Rabbi walks into a bar. He has a long, long grey beard, he’s wearing tzitzis, the whole package. And he has a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender asks, “Where did you get that?!”
The frog answers, “Brooklyn, there are lots of them there.”
Issy and Howard were brothers disliked by the entire community. They ran a crooked business, they lied, and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, “I will donate one million dollars to the synagogue if at the funeral you say that my brother Issy was a mensch.”
The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
>When it came time for the funeral, the Rabbi recounted Issy’s wrong doings during his eulogy at length. He then closed with the sentence “But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!”
Rabbi Epstein was a particularly tenacious clergyman and couldn’t stand seeing Jewish people getting drunk. So one day he went into a particular tavern frequented by Jewish patrons.
Rabbi Epstein walks into the pub and sees Stan from shul. “Stan, do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Rabbi.”
The Rabbi said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then Rabbi Epstein asked another man he recognized, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Rabbi,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the Rabbi. Then Rabbi Epstein walked up to Chaim Yankel Rabbinowitz and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “No, I don’t Rabbi.”
The Rabbi was in disbelief, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
Chaim Yankel said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Rabbis Bloom, Levy, Goldstein and Morris regularly have theological arguments, and whenever they do, three of them are nearly always in accord against the fourth rabbi. Today, the odd rabbi out is Rabbi Goldstein. But this time, Rabbi Goldstein decides to appeal to a Higher Authority.
“Hashem,” he cries out, “I know in my heart that I was right and my colleagues were wrong! I would therefore be most grateful if you could give us a sign to prove to my colleagues that they were wrong.”
Although it is a beautiful warm sunny day, as soon as Rabbi Goldstein finishes his prayer, a storm cloud moves across the sky above the four rabbis, rumbles once and then dissolves.
“Aha,” says Rabbi Goldstein, “that was a sign from Hashem. I knew I was right.”
But the other three rabbis disagree, pointing out that it isn’t unusual for storm clouds to form on hot days.
So Rabbi Goldstein prays again. “Hashem,” he cries out, “I need a bigger sign to show my colleagues that I was right and they were wrong. Please God, please give us a bigger sign.”
This time five storm clouds suddenly appear above them and rush towards each other to form one big cloud. Then a lightning bolt slams into a nearby field.
“See,” says Rabbi Goldstein to his colleagues, “I told you I was right.”
But the other 3 rabbis continue to insist that nothing had happened that couldn’t be explained by natural causes.
Then, just as Rabbi Goldstein is getting ready to ask God for a gigantic sign to end the other three rabbis’ disagreement, the sky turns pitch black, the earth starts to shake vigorously, and a deep, booming voice says, “He’s right!”
Rabbi Goldstein smiles, turns to the other three rabbis, and says to them, “So nu, my argument was correct was it not?”
“Okay, okay, so now it’s 3 to 2,” replies one of the other rabbis.
Rabbi Sapperstein, fresh out of rabbinical school, had to officiate his first funeral for a homeless man with no friends or family. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery across town and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
Rabbi Sapperstein arrived late, but noticed a few workers gathering around the grave opening. Young and enthusiastic Rabbi Sapperstein poured out his heart and soul as he gave his sermon and recited the prayers. He was so powerful that he brought the cemetery workers to tears.
When the service was over, the rabbi walked to his car and as he opened the door he heard one worker say to the other, “I never saw anything like that before and I’ve been putting in septic systems for over 20 years.”
>The mothers are gathered and showing their nachas. One boasts of her son, the head of a medical department; the other has a son, a judge, and a daughter, psychiatrist. One of the women is quiet through it all. Finally, they turn to her and ask: “Well, what does your son do?”
“He’s a rabbi!”
“A rabbi? What kind of a profession is that for a nice Jewish boy?”
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose Daddy was the greatest.
David said, “My Dad is the greatest because he is rich stock broker on Wall Street.”
Michael said, “That’s nothing. My Daddy is a politician and he says he’s the most powerful man around.”
Moishie said, “That’s nothing, my Dad is a rabbi, and he owns hell.”
“How can you own hell?” asked the other boys.
“Well my Dad came home last night and told my mom that the Shul Board gave it to him!”
On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.
A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.
The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and with the rabbi’s blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father.
“I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named ‘Top Hat’ was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi’s blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on ‘Top Hat’ and guess what? He won!”
“In the next race, there was a horse named ‘Stetson’ at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what … I won again!”
“So did you bring the money home?” asked his father.
“No,” said the son, “I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named ‘Chateau’ that was a heavy favorite so I bet everything on him, and since ‘Chateau’ means ‘hat’ in French I figured he was a sure thing.”
“You fool!” said the father. “Hat in French is ‘chapeau’ not ‘chateau!'” Exasperated, his father then asked, “So who won the race?”
“A real long shot,” said the son. “Some Japanese horse named ‘Yarmulke’!”
Rabbi Epstein, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help him improve his public speaking skills. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such speaker boldly approached the podium and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” – The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the rabbi decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the bimah that shabbat, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to bimah he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, Rabbi Epstein finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”
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Gratitdute:
An elderly American was waiting in line for Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle Airport. While fumbling for his passport, the passport control agent chastised him, “You should have your passport ready! Everyone knows you cannot enter France without a passport!” The American softly replied, “You know, the last time I visited France no one asked for my passport.” “Impossible!” declared the Passport Agent, “No one enters France without a passport!” “Well,” responds the American, “I can guarantee you that when my unit hit Omaha Beach on D-Day there was no Frenchman there asking me if I had a passport!” Then the American asked the Frenchman, “Excuse me, but do you speak German? In a huff, the Frenchman replied, “Of course not!” To which the American quietly responded, “You’re welcome.”
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A husband on his deathbed said to his wife in a hoarse, weak voice: “My hour has arrived and before I leave, I want to confess to you …”
“No, no, you shouldn’t strain yourself, sit still,” interrupted the woman.
“I insist,” said the husband. “It’s better to die with a quiet, clean conscience.”
“Well, I’m listening,” said the woman.
“I had an affair with your sister, your mother, and your best friend,” said the husband.
“I know,” replied the woman pleasantly, “that’s why I poisoned you.”
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There is nothing like the Jewish holidays.
On Pesach there is nothing to eat.
On Succot there is nothing to eat.
On Rosh Hashana there is no time to eat.
On Yom Kippur you’re not allowed to eat
On Purim you’re too drunk to eat
On Chanukah it’s too fattening to eat
On Shavuot you’re too tired to eat.
And when Tu B’shvat finally comes around… all the fruit is all dried up!
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”
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A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”
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1 . Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces –
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
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A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by The Angel Michael who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
The angel stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
“This belongs to you,” said Michael.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” he replied.
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An old Jewish Bubba Ma’aseh serves as a wonderful parable.
Sadie Finkelstein lived in an apartment on New York’s Lower East Side for about 50 years. Her son, David, had made it big in the corporate world as cosmopolitan businessman, wheeling and dealing, traveling to places as far-flung as the Himalayas and Russia’s Ural Mountains. Of course, he shopped the finest Paris boutiques and European stores on his excursions to the more civilized portions of the world.
For his mother’s 75th birthday, David decided to send her a gift of the finest Russian caviar and France’s most exquisite Champagne. From his hotel suite in Paris he had the items shipped with one-day delivery, the Champagne and caviar on ice!
A few days later, David called his mother up. “Ma,” he asked, “did you received package?”
“Sure, I received package,” his mother said. She did not seem impressed
“Well how was it?” David asked in anticipation.
All he heard was a sigh. Then a pause. “To tell you truth ,” said Sadie “The ginger ale was a very sour and the blackberry jelly tasted to salty.”
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We all become a little concerned as we begin to approach the half-way point in our lives. The truth is that it’s a reality everyone must experience, so we might as well look at it with a good sense of humor!
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full – of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it…
Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself, and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions – What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves… and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, they have wingspans… They are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, they are flying squirrels in drag.
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In an effort to better understand his Jewish constituents, the Gentile mayor reached out to a popular local rabbi. So the rabbi invited the mayor to spend Shabbat at his home.
The rabbi made kiddush Friday night on a full cup of wine.
Then, after the fish, he made a l’chaim on some fine scotch.
The main course came with Israeli wine.
They said Grace After Meals with another cup of wine.
The next day in shul, after services, they made kiddush on wine, followed by herring, crackers and a few l’chaims on schnapps.
They went home and the rabbi made kiddush for his family on another cup of wine, some l’chaim after the fish, a nice single malt with the cholent, and some more wine with the Grace After Meals.
And when it got dark, the rabbi made kiddush on yet another cup of wine for Havdalah.
The mayor said to the rabbi, “I had a wonderful time! Thank you for sharing your Shabbat with me. And while I still don’t understand why you can’t turn the lights on and off, I definitely understand why you don’t drive!”
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A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?”
The mother replied, “Well son when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.”
Two minutes later the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?”
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert,” the mother said.
“Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?”
“They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.”
“So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.”
“Yes dear,” said the mother.
“So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?”
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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his foot. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired, “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?”
“Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.”
The doctor asks, “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”
“What? And work in the dark?”
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Shul Awards everupne has thought about but never gave out:
1. The “Better Late Than Never” Award – for the perennially tardy congregant who is never among the initial ten needed to make a minyan, but who also never comes late to a kiddush.
2. The “Pathetic Pitch” Award – for the most tone deaf congregants who sing at the top of their lungs completely off key and out of tune, thus distracting, disrupting and annoying all within earshot and making everyone long for the silent Amidah.
3. The “Shhhhhh” Award – for the most loquacious congregants who kibitz incessantly like delinquents in the back of the classroom.
4. The “Crazy Kippah” Award – for the person who wears peculiar yamakas including those with a chin-strap or built-in sun-vizor.
5. The “Nudnik” Award – to the men who, for the sole purpose of being annoying, insist on joining the Sisterhood.
6. The “Worst Speech” Award – to the rabbi whose speech on Shabbat was so painful that it was considered as a replacement for water-boarding down in Guantanamo Bay.
7. The “Chutzpah” Award – to the super-wealthy congregant who writes a jaw-dropping check that will eliminate shul dues forever, but conditions the contribution on plastering the family name on every aspect of the synagogue including the doorknobs, light bulbs and children under the age of ten.
8. The “Passover” Award – to the unlucky assistant rabbi who keeps getting passed over for the head gig.
9. The “Drone” Award – to the shul president who drones on and on and whose announcements are longer than the entire prayer service.
10. The “Deficit” Award – to the congregant who is in charge of the annual fundraiser dinner but spends more on the event than is collected in donations.
11. The “Hot Seat” Award – to the congregants who sell their High Holiday tickets on StubHub.
12. The “Missing the Point” Award – to the congregants who build their sukkah out of brick and mortar.
13. The “Dollars over Decorum” Award – to the congregants who want to sell advertising on the mechitza, Ark Curtain, and the back of the Rabbi’s Talis.
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Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.
When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.
The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.
He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: “Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
“Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing,” he replies.
The preacher puts one finger in Larry’s ear and places his other hand on top of Larry’s head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.
After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:
“Larry, how is your hearing now?”
“I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”
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A rabbi had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a $100 bill, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
‘I’ll just hide behind the door, the rabbi said to himself, ‘and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.’
‘If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a rabbi like me, and what a blessing that would be! ‘If he picks up the 100 dollars, he’s going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. ‘But, if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and what a shame that would be. ‘And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.’
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the $100 and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month’s centerfold.
‘Lord have mercy,’ the old rabbi whispered in horror, ‘He’s going to be a politician!’
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There was once a couple who were connected to a very great tzadik who did not have children. Each year they would ask for a blessing and each year the Rebbe would be very encouraging but avoided giving his blessing.
The couple accepted the situation as their fate. One year a less known Rebbe came to town. The couple decided to ask him for a blessing and he gave one without hesitation.
Twelve months later a son was born. They invited their Rebbe to be the sandek at the bris.
Afterward, they asked him how it was that he, the Grand Rabbi, would not give his blessing while the “lesser” Rebbe not only gave but his blessing, but it was realized? The Rebbe answered that in Heaven, from time to time, there are meetings of all the great tzadikim of the generation where they review all the spiritual decrees. Who will be rich and who not. Who will be healthy and who not. Who will have children and who not.
“Is it my fault that this other Rebbe is not invited to the meetings…?
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Speaking to his father a little boy asked, “Do all fairy tales begin with, ‘Once upon a time?'”
His father replied, “Many of them do but not all. Some start with, ‘If I get elected, I promise….'”
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Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking.
Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.
He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination”.
“Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money.
The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.
The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.
“What was that for?” Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught.
“Next time don’t go so fast! You nearly killed us!”
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A few minutes before the Kol Nidre was to begin, the congregation was sitting attentively awaiting the beginning of the service.
Suddenly, the Malchamovitz (Satan or Angel of Death)) appeared at the front of the congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the Shul was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that G-d’s ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am ?”
In true Yiddish form, the man replied, “Do you know who I am ?”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Hapsolutely not” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you without a word ?” asked Satan.
“Be my guest” replied the old man, in an even tone.
“Don’t you know that I can cause you profound horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Ein kleinikit” (big deal) was the man’s calm reply.
“And you are still not afraid ?” asked Satan.
“A nechtagine tugh” (no way!) said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why is it you’re not afraid of me?”
“Because” the man calmly replied, “I’ve been married to your sister for 62 years!”
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An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Onlookers were completely shocked at the men’s behavior, but the old man didn’t seem to be fazed in the slightest.
Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replied, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.
The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
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Winston Churchill was when people asked him, “Remember me?” and he would reply, “Why should I?”
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A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What?! There’s no pool here?”
*Long pause* “Uh …. is this 832-4821?
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