Kedoshim: Why We Need to Criticize Our Allies (video and text, plus related class)

Text of the d’var Torah in the above video appears below.

Aharei Mot-Kedoshim 5785 (2025)

Rabbi Noah Gradofsky

Hebrew texts from Bar Ilan Responsa version 24.  Links go to texts on Sefaria (which may vary from the texts here).  Translations my own.  For more expansive quotations of the texts referenced below, as well as other texts, see my (only somewhat related) source sheet and class “Bite Your Tongue: Rabbinic Perspectives on When Not to Criticize (link live shortly).” 

Words in gray omitted from the spoken version for time purposes.

“To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.”  – Hubert Humphrey.

Responding to human error, our parsha discusses the need to correct each other, emphasizing that corrective criticism best comes from a place of allyship.  The verse opens with the phrase “לֹֽא־תִשְׂנָ֥א אֶת־אָחִ֖יךָ בִּלְבָבֶ֑ךָ – do not hate your fellow (lit. brother) in your heart,” continuing, “הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ  admonish your fellow.”[1]  In a midrash, Rav Shemuel bar Nachman teaches that Moshe’s criticisms of Israel were “תוכחות של אהבה – admonitions of love,” proving his point by referencing the phrase “הוֹכֵחַ תּוֹכִיחַ אֶת עֲמִיתֶךָ –  admonish your fellow” and the phrase from Proverbs, “הוֹכַ֥ח לְ֝חָכָ֗ם וְיֶאֱהָבֶֽךָּ – admonish a wise person and he will love you.”[2]  Similarly, our sages took for granted that you must admonish a generally likeminded friend, but they debated whether you must admonish an enemy who dislikes you.  One interpretation suggests that the requirement to reprove עֲמִיתֶךָ, your fellow, starting with the letters ayin and mem, implies that the requirement of admonition only applies to a person who is עמך במצוות  with you – ayin mem – in mitzvot, and this opinion continues by discouraging us from admonishing “an evildoer who hates us” based on the phrase in Proverbs “יֹ֤סֵ֨ר׀ לֵ֗ץ לֹקֵ֣חַֽ ל֣וֹ קָל֑וֹן  – one who chastises a scoffer gets abuse.”[3]

Today, we seem to spend a lot of time criticizing those with whom we disagree.  As a Democrat, it feels more comfortable to criticize Republicans, a halakhic Jew might feel more comfortable criticizing non-halakhic Judaism, or a progressive halakhic Jew might feel more comfortable criticizing more right-wing forms of Judaism, and vice versa.  If one ever admits a problem in the ingroup, one often quickly goes on to pointing how much worse the failings of the “other side” are, rather than taking some serious time to consider how the problems of the ingroup might be addressed.  But our tradition says that corrective criticism is best delivered to our friends, and I would argue as a corollary that we concentrate too much of our critical energies toward groups with which we disagree and too little focus on recognizing and addressing the shortcomings of the groups with which we affiliate.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think there are some reasons to discuss which political party may be better or which Jewish group acts most in line with God’s will.  But the failure to push back against our own side is a missed opportunity for improvement.  I would also argue that the failure of groups to “police their own side” is a major contributor to the influence of extremism.

Some would say that publicly raising valid concerns about our allies reinforces the unfair criticism of the perceived enemies.  I would argue that the best way to combat unfair criticism is to model reasonable corrective criticism.  Without such criticism, the only analysis available may be the unfair criticism, and people may not be able to separate the kernel of truth from the unfair exaggeration.  Besides, isn’t it better to address the kernel of truth rather than allow the flaw to fester?

While there is some sense that the perceived greater flaws on the other side is a reason to concentrate firepower on that group, our tradition suggests that at least one factor in whether and when to criticize is how likely our criticism is to succeed.  For instance, Rabbi Ila’a says in the name of Rabbi Elazar son of Rabbi Shimon, “כשם שמצוה על אדם לומר דבר הנשמע, כך מצוה על אדם שלא לומר דבר שאינו נשמע – Just as it is incumbent on a person to say a thing that will be heard, so, too, it is incumbent on a person to not say a thing that will not be heard,” [4] a proposition which is supported by reference to the verse in Proverbs which we referenced earlier, “אַל־תּ֣וֹכַח לֵ֭ץ פֶּן־יִשְׂנָאֶ֑ךָּ הוֹכַ֥ח לְ֝חָכָ֗ם וְיֶאֱהָבֶֽךָּ – Do not admonish the scoffer lest he hate you, admonish a wise person and he will love you.”[5]  I would argue that this advocates for putting at least some of our focus on criticizing the groups who share more of our values – like the people whom the sages described as being  “עמך במצוות  with us in mitzvot”[6] – who are more likely to be persuaded by our arguments.

In the Talmud in Arakhin, and Rabbi Tarfon[7] doubts that anyone in his generation could accept admonition.[8]  He comments that if one person were to tell another, metaphorically, to “remove the splinter between your eyes,” the other would respond “remove the beam between your eyes.”[9] Apparently our generation did not invent whataboutism.  In the same text, Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria[10] doubts there was anyone in his generation who knew how to give corrective criticism.[11] By juxtaposing Rabbi Tarfon and Rabbi Elazar, the Talmud reminds us that constructive criticism is a two-way street, requiring wisdom from both the one giving the criticism as well as the one hearing it.

Our challenge is to live up to the words of Proverbs, “אַל־תּ֣וֹכַח לֵ֭ץ פֶּן־יִשְׂנָאֶ֑ךָּ הוֹכַ֥ח לְ֝חָכָ֗ם וְיֶאֱהָבֶֽךָּ – Do not admonish the scoffer lest he hate you, admonish a wise person and he will love you.”[12]  We should be comfortable being the voice of critique, even toward our friends and allies.  If they are the scoffers, they may brand us a traitor, but at least they will have shown us who they are.  If they are wise, they will appreciate hearing our contrary opinion, and maybe someone’s mind will change (ours or theirs, or maybe both).

We also need to be the wise person from Proverbs who appreciates criticism.[13]  When you hear criticism, consider the possibility that it comes not from a place of enmity but from a place of respect and hope for improvement.  If you disagree, first take a moment to express appreciation that the person raised what may be an unpopular idea.  Help stop the cancel culture that often squelches dissent and reduces consideration of valid critiques.

The Talmud in Shabbat describes the attribute of justice asking God to hold a group of righteous people responsible for their failure to speak up against evil.  God explains that it was clear to God that any attempt to intercede would have failed.  But the attribute of justice actually wins the argument with God by saying “רבונו של עולם, אם לפניך גלוי – להם מי גלוי – Master of the Universe: if this was revealed to you [that the admonition would not be effective], was it revealed to them?”[14]  I take this as a note of hope.  Sometimes it may seem that working to make improvements is an impossible task.  But we don’t know how much influence we can have, if we choose our opportunities wisely.

As a final note, if you disagree with what I had to say today, I look forward to talking with you at kiddush and will do my best to pretend … I mean to appreciate your dissent.  Shabbat Shalom.

[1] Leviticus 19:17.

[2] As far as I can tell from brief searching, this midrash does not appear in the standard printing of Devarim Rabbah but does appear in Rabbi Saul Lieberman’s scholarly edition:

דברים רבה (ליברמן) פרשת דברים

לפי’ משה מוכיחן כל התוכחות האלו, על מה שעשו והכעיסו להקב”ה. ולמה הוכיחן אלא א”ר שמואל בר נחמן מתוך תוכחות של אהבה, שנאמ’ הוכח תוכיח לעמיתך +ויקרא י”ט י”ז+, ונאמ’ הוכח לחכם +משלי ט’ ח’+.

The quote from Proverbs is from Proverbs 9:8.

[3] Eliyahu Rabbah 18.  My description of this text follows the Meir Ish Shalom edition which is on my Bar Ilan Responsa CD:

אליהו רבה (איש שלום) פרשה יח

הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך (ויקרא שם /י”ט/), יכול אם יודע אתה שאין שונאך הוכיחהו, ואם לאו אל תוכיחהו, ת”ל הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך. ד”א את עמיתך, שעמך במצוות אתה מוכיח, ואי אתה מוכיח לרשע ששונאך, שנאמר יוסר לץ לוקח לו קלון (משלי ט’ ז’) …

The same text on Sefaria only presents the interpretation that exempts and discourages one from admonishing an enemy:

יכול אפילו אם אתה יודע שהוא רשע ושונאך אע”פ כן אתה חייב להוכיח אותו ת”ל הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך לעמיתך שהוא אוהבך ושהוא עמך בתורה ומצות אתה חייב להוכיח אותו אבל לרשע שהוא שונאיך אין אתה חייב להוכיח אותו וגם אי אתה רשאי להוכיח אותו שנאמר (משלי ט) יוסר לץ לוקח לו קלון ומוכיח לרשע מומו אל תוכח לץ פן ישנאך הוכח לחכם ויאהבך.

[4] Babylonian Talmud Yevamot 65b.

[5] Babylonian Talmud Yevamot 65b quoting Proverbs 9:8.

[6] See above, footnote 3 and accompanying text.

[7] Ca. 70-135 CE.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbi_Tarfon.

[8] Babylonian Talmud Arakhin 16b.  Thank you to my teacher, Rabbi Ronald Price for emphasizing the importance of this text when I sent out an version of my source sheet on the topic of admonition to my colleagues in Morashah, the rabbinic fellowship of UTJ.

[9] Babylonian Talmud Arakhin 16b. The similarity between this metaphor and one found in Matthew 7:4-5 caught the eye of my colleague Rabbi Steve Golden (the pun is his as well).  Similarly, Google also pointed me to Luke 6:41-42.

[10] First century CE.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleazar_ben_Azariah. Rabbis Tarfon and Elazar ben Azaria were contemporaries.  See e.g. BT Gitten 83a.

[11] Babylonian Talmud Arakhin 16b.

[12]“הוֹכַ֥ח לְ֝חָכָ֗ם וְיֶאֱהָבֶֽךָּ – admonish a wise person and he will love you,” Proverbs 9:8.

[13] Babylonian Talmud Yevamot 65b quoting Proverbs 9:8.

[14] Babylonian Talmud Shabbat 54b.