Toldot – With Love We See What Others Do Not See

I’d like to talk about a somewhat troubled Jewish family and a Presbyterian Minister:

The family:          Let’s call them “Yitchak & Rivkah” (no last names, please); and

The Minister:       Fred Rogers, who is currently being portrayed on the silver screen by 2-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks.  (As one reviewer said, “the nicest guy in Hollywood is playing the nicest guy in America”).

Let me start with this important introductory statement.  Please keep in mind that as we walk together through the parsha today, Yitchak & Rivkah were very much in love.  Despite the 33-year age gap between them.  In fact, it was love at first sight.  As we read last Shabbos:

Isaac then brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah as his wife.	וַיִּקַּ֧ח אֶת־רִבְקָ֛ה וַתְּהִי־ל֥וֹ לְאִשָּׁ֖ה
Isaac loved her, and found comfort after his mother’s death	וַיֶּאֱהָבֶ֑הָ וַיִּנָּחֵ֥ם יִצְחָ֖ק אַחֲרֵ֥י אִמּֽוֹ׃

Gen..: 24:67

He didn’t just love her; he felt a sense of ‘holy’; soulful comfort from her.  That is love in its deepest form.

Moving to this week’s parsha, we find a brief anecdote that is nothing short of remarkable in its R-rated candor.  Yitchak & Rivkah were temporarily living in the Philistine city-state of Gerar,

When some time had passed, Abimelech king of the Philistines, looking out of the window, saw Isaac fondling his wife Rebekah.

וַיְהִ֗י כִּ֣י אָֽרְכוּ־ל֥וֹ שָׁם֙ הַיָּמִ֔ים וַיַּשְׁקֵ֗ף אֲבִימֶ֙לֶךְ֙ מֶ֣לֶךְ פְּלִשְׁתִּ֔ים בְּעַ֖ד הַֽחַלּ֑וֹן וַיַּ֗רְא וְהִנֵּ֤ה יִצְחָק֙ מְצַחֵ֔ק אֵ֖ת רִבְקָ֥ה אִשְׁתּֽוֹ׃

Gen.: 26:8

Let’s not focus on the fact that there was a window through which others saw them.  I am not aware of any other mention in Torah of a husband and wife described as being intimate outside the context of procreation.  When the Torah wants us to know that a couple had sex and conceived, it uses the verb “Yada”, to “know” (carnally).

• והאדם ידע את חוה אשתו ותהר ותלד (Gen. 4:1)
• וידע קין את אשתו ותהר ותלד (Gen 4:14)

Yitzchak and Rivkah are not engaged in a procreative act.  Look at how the Hebrew text here uses a form of the Yitzchak’s name that means laughing, enjoying, playing around.  מְצַחֵ֔ק .  While Yitzchak may have received his name because his parents ‘laughed’ at the news of his conception, he surely lived up to his name.  He is content, happy, joyous.  At peace.  מְצַחֵ֔ק.

Onkelos uses the Aramaic verb מְחַיִּיךְ, which has both an emotional and a physical connotation: to caress, to be playful, to be joyful.  Yitzchak was joyful with his wife.

And yet, despite their deep love, there was some trouble in their Paradise.  Like too many families, it stemmed in part from who they were as individuals – they came from very different backgrounds, they had different childhoods, and they accumulated different baggage even during their married life together.

Our parsha begins with telling us of their years-long struggle with infertility which put a subtle strain upon their relationship.

Isaac pleaded with the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren;

וַיֶּעְתַּ֨ר יִצְחָ֤ק לַֽיהוָה֙ לְנֹ֣כַח אִשְׁתּ֔וֹ כִּ֥י עֲקָרָ֖ה הִ֑וא

Gen. 25:21

It sounds lovely until you read Rashi’s gloss:

He stood in one corner and prayed while she stood in the other corner and prayed

זה עומד בזוית זו ומתפלל, וזו עומדת בזוית זו ומתפללת

Forget your pre-conceived notion that they were separated for davening purposes.  They stood in opposite corners, like prize fighters in a ring between rounds.  Sure, each was praying for the other, but that’s because each one blamed the other!

A few p’sukkim later we learn that their prayers were answered, but when Rivkeh is troubled, who does she confide in?  Who does she seek comfort from?  Not Yitzchak!  Says Rashi:

And she went to inquire to the academy of Shem.

ותלך לדרוש: לבית מדרשו של שם

Rashi on Gen. 25:22

There is a distance between them.  There is a hushed silence between them.  There are secrets between them.

The midrash paints a picture of the struggle between Esav-Yaakov as pre-natal:

When she passed by the entrances of [the] Torah [academies] of Shem and Eber, Jacob would run and struggle to come out; when she passed the entrance of [a temple of] idolatry, Esau would run and struggle to come out.).	כשהיתה עוברת על פתחי תורה של שם ועבר יעקב רץ ומפרכס לצאת, עוברת על פתחי עבודה זרה עשו מפרכס לצאת.
Another explanation: They were struggling with each other and quarreling about the inheritance of the two worlds	דבר אחר מתרוצצים זה עם זה ומריבים בנחלת שני עולמות

Even if we accept the notion that they were so different that they fought in-utero, their rivalry can only be truly understood if we also appreciate the role their parents played in – if not actually fostering it – then [at least] failing to help them work through it.

After the twins are born, the gulf between Yitzchak and Rivkah widens, with each parent gravitating to a different child.

And Isaac loved Esau because [his] game was in his mouth, but Rebecca loved Jacob.

וַיֶּֽאֱהַ֥ב יִצְחָ֛ק אֶת־עֵשָׂ֖ו כִּי־צַ֣יִד בְּפִ֑יו וְרִבְקָ֖ה אֹהֶ֥בֶת אֶת־יַֽעֲק

Gen. 25:28

Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the outdoors; but Jacob was a mild man who stayed in camp.

וַיְהִ֣י עֵשָׂ֗ו אִ֛ישׁ יֹדֵ֥עַ צַ֖יִד אִ֣ישׁ שָׂדֶ֑ה וְיַעֲקֹב֙ אִ֣ישׁ תָּ֔ם יֹשֵׁ֖ב אֹהָלִֽים׃

It’s no wonder that the boys grew up at odds with each other, and to a large degree at odds with the parent who seemed to love him just a little less than his brother.

The meforshim, interpreting the expression אִ֛ישׁ יֹדֵ֥עַ צַ֖יִד, generally maintain that:

• Esav tricked Yitzchak into believing that he was righteous whereas Rivkah, who was brought up with none other than Lavan as a big-brother role model, saw right through his righteous act; or
• Esav endeared himself to Yitzchak by bringing him fresh game.

In this instance, I think the miforshim are unnecessarily hard on Yitzchak Avenu.  They see him as having been duped by a cunning hunter but they misconstrue his unconditional paternal love as naivete.  I think a better reading (and understanding) of the story is that Yitzchak’s love for Esav was not bought and paid for by some fresh venison, or a sharp tongued Esav who pretended to be frum when he was in his father’s company.

No! Yitzchak fully understood his son’s fundamental character.  But because he was a loving parent, Yitzchak accepted his son for who he was.  Esav was everything Yitzchak was not, and yet Yitzchak loved him.  Completely.  כִּי־צַ֣יִד בְּפִ֑יו.  Even though Esav did things that Yitzchak did not approve of.

In loving Esav for being Esav, Yitzchak taught that our tent cannot be composed only of the bookish, yeshishish Yaakovs!  Our community is not composed of just the scholars, and the professionals, and the righteous, and the frum!  There is an important place for the Esavs within our wide tent, and for every Jewish soul between the polar opposites of Yaakov and Esav has a place at our table.  And in our hearts.  And merits our b’rachot!

In some ways our parsha struggles with the very modern question of whether we are who we are because of nature or nurture.  But Yitzchak is adamant that what is important is to see the person for who he is, and not try to fit him into a neat box.

And that, Rabbosai, was Fred Rogers.  Enid & I saw the movie on Thursday and all I can say is that even if you were not lucky enough to live in Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood as a child – or in my case – as the parent of a child in the 90s – you must see this movie.  This movie is not like the 70s nostalgia movies ala Charley’s Angels or the A-Team.  This is a work of art that is at one and the same time true and a midrash.  It is on its most fundamental level a story about one man’s desire to live his life like Yitchak Avenu.  For Fred Rogers saw every human soul as holy.  As unique.  As worthy of being prayed for, and of asking prayers from.

It was, after all, Fred Rogers who said:

• “As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has- or ever will have- something inside that is unique to all time. It’s our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression.”
• “Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people.”
• “Little by little we human beings are confronted with situations that give us more and more clues that we are not perfect. “
• “To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”

These are Fred Rogers’ quotes that can easily be traced to the parenting skills of Yitchak Avenu.

In the case of Yitzchak and Esav, the love was a two-way street.  Regardless of the man he was, Esav loved and honored his father so much that CHAZAL recognize him as a paradigm of Kibbud Av!

Said Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel:  No soul ever honored his parents as much as I have, and yet I find that Esav’s respect exceeds my own.

אָמַר רַבָּן שִׁמְעוֹן בֶּן גַּמְלִיאֵל, לֹא כִּבֵּד בְּרִיָּה אֶת אֲבוֹתָיו כְּמוֹ אֲנִי אֶת אֲבוֹתַי, וּמָצָאתִי שֶׁכִּבֵּד עֵשָׂו לְאָבִיו יוֹתֵר מִמֶּנִּי

Devarim Rabbah 1:15.

כַּבֵּד אֶת אָבִיךָ וְאֶת אִמֶּךָ is the goal, its not just one of the Big 10; it is the connection between the commandments concerning God and those concerning humanity.  Because our parents are our links to the Divine.

It is no accident that Esav is singled out as the role model of kibud Av v’em even though his record with the other 9 Dibrot was less than stellar.  He did this one right because he was the recipient of a lifetime of unconditional love.  Which is not to say blind love.  Or head-in-the-sand love.

When his father wanted to bless Esav, he sent him on a mission that Esav was capable of fulfilling!  In other words, Yitzchak said:  Be the best Esav you can be!

It is the love that Yizchak had for Esav, that produced the greatest honor and devotion of a child to parent in the history of mankind, and from the most unlikely of Biblical personalities.

There is so much we can learn from Yitchak.  And Rivkah.   And Yaakov. And Esav.  And Fred Rogers.

Shabbat Shalom!